I’m slowly realizing that I don’t want to waste my time doing things I don’t want to do just to save face.
It seems that this has been a pattern of mine and I’m just sincerely over it now. I only know one other friend that sincerely gives no fucks about anyone else’s opinion and just does whatever the hell she feels like doing. I’ve met ppl that say they don’t care or tell me not to care, but they don’t actually carry through with their own words, but this one friend…. is showing me that its actually possible to give NO fucks and still have friends and be happy.
But then I start to analyze her personality and realize that she is also very aloof and is generally a very flexible person… which.. I am not.
I’m an intense person. I recognize that, but I can also be very aloof and easy going. Unfortunately those days are actually very rare due to me always needing this sense of control.
I fear that with the intensity of my personality and the fact that I want to “give no fucks” will make me come off as rather bitchy… but isn’t that the fact of giving “no fucks”….? To not care what impression is given? Up to what point am I allowed to not care? Wouldn’t there be some sort of boundary that’s not supposed to be crossed?
Completely over thinking it, probably.
I feel like this week especially has been really tough on me internally. And trust me when I say its not even that big of a deal. I really don’t think it is, but for some reason it still bothers me. I know no one really cares, (at least I hope), but I’m still struggling with the idea of my family knowing or having to talk about it with someone that is ignorant, or dealing with the intolerance that I am pretty sure will follow from at least one individual. I know its tough to deal with these kinds of things and I know that in this case I may have it easy. But I also know that its not easy for everybody and for some reason, the fact that I’m still hiding, makes me mad at myself.
I don’t want to be talked about.
I don’t want to be stereotyped.
I don’t want to be ridiculed for who I am.
I also don’t want to shove it into anyone’s face like I’ve known others to.
It upsets me that I can’t even tell my best friend. It upsets me that I can tell strangers upfront but not the people that I know are there for me. (M/L not included).
My boyfriend knows and accepts me. He actually has been there for me since the beginning of my own acknowledgement. He’s seen me cry for how confused and hard this has been for me. But I can’t help but see that he’s afraid of it as well. He’s afraid I’ll leave him because of how I am. Because of the uncertainty of it.
I feel isolated, like I have absolutely no one to relate to. I wish I could fit on a specific gender spectrum, but I don’t. I wish i could have a label, but I don’t. So i guess I’ll just use the umbrella term.
I am Queer.